love, hate, and the Big Guy upstairs
Friday, Aug. 01, 2003

"I've been trying to listen to you...for more than a year now. But you don't even try to listen to me. I'm tired, and sad."

"So you want to stop? Stop. I don't care."

"I'm not even near wanting to stop. I love listening to you. I just want you to listen to me sometimes."

It started out as the usual nightly call of sweet nothings and naughty innuendoes which suddenly veered way off track into philosophy, biology and theology.
Other couples fight about money and love and petty jealousies. What do we fight about?

God.

We are so different, him and I.
I swore at a god who is petty, callous, unfair.
He swears by a loving, just and forgiving God.
His faith ignited my seething anger and resentment, and the fight was long, hard and heartrending.

There were times my voice came out only in a whisper; I was so angry.


Mr J: Ten thousand years is too short a time compared to eternity

Me: Ten thousand years is all I have to judge him by.. and he has done such a shitty job.

Mr J: You can�t judge Him based on ten thousand years. It would be like judging a person on the first two minutes you�ve met him.

Me: If a person makes a shitty first impression with his interviewers, he doesn�t get the job. He is UNDESERVING of the job.

Mr J: But what you�re saying is, then, you can judge a guy as rude and incompetent based on the two minutes, when he might well be the nicest person on earth, you only caught him at a bad time. You�re condemning god as a bad guy based on his first impressions.

Me: Ten thousand years is a long time for the human race. In the ten thousand years, countless human souls have suffered. I won�t let you justify this. First impressions count, and his is terrible.


And so on, for three hours.
Add some harsh words, heartfelt emotions, a few angry tears, and you get us.

It was a little frightening, hearing each other�s genuine thoughts and doubts. Some of the things he said made me stop and think, and I know some of what I said was new to him, too.
These were REAL thoughts, reflections long mulled over and never discussed in our daily romance.
These were the stuff of philosophy, things you keep near to heart, the core of each�s personal faith.

To me God is a chauvinist, favoring men always over women, and I hate Him for that.
Mr J tries his best to convince me He�s not, and I love him for it.

I love you, baby.
Happy birthday.