of friendship...
2003-12-17

The term's over; I don�t know whether I should laugh or cry.

I spent an hour in the gym, and in the haze of sweat and heat I was reminded of a friend.

We competed as much as we buddied. We would run every day in the evenings, and always, without fail, we would run as fast as possible the last 200 meters (thats about 220 yards for you Yanks), trying to leave the other as far behind as we could.

We played hard at basketball, and would take every opportunity to run the other down.

Once, I had almost given up in a track event. She caught up with me and I was suddenly so angry I forced my legs to run, to outrun her. I won the bronze medal. She crossed the finish line 2 seconds after.

We were partners in pencak silat. We obsessed about it; we strived for perfection, fought for our instructor�s attention. We would practice all day, and �fight� as real as we could, so that the choreographed battle would seem realistic, after which we would compare bruises.

At one point I think we worshipped each other.
No, I think I was possessive of her, jealous of the competition between us.

We were tomboys, I more than her. In a girls� school, we had our share of admirers. I toyed with mine, she ignored hers.
Now I�m more girly than she is, how about that, ey?

I don�t think I was attracted to her, no.

I can�t find the right words to describe the quality of the friendship, if you can call it that, how destructive it was for me, how much it meant to me.
I can�t articulate how much I loved her, how much I hated her, how much her respect meant to me.

I wanted to beat her at every thing; I wanted to be beaten only by her.

I miss her right now. I miss how she used to ignore me when I made dumb jokes (I was sort of a jester in high school, can you imagine?).
I miss the hard jabs she used to give me when we fight.
I miss that odd combination of affection and anger that rises up in me every time I see her.

It was the most satisfying and destructive friendship I�ve ever had.

Frickin� stuffy, germy gym air messing with my head.