lonely planet
2004-02-05

[[[No hiatus.]]]

My appearance has led some to question my heterosexuality, to which I respond with a Manglish
�Ah?�

Apparently attractive bald women can only be lesbians and nothing else.
Sexuality is a complex thing.
Ever heard of the Kinsey scale? This theory suggests that human sexuality, as opposed to the binary model of straight or gay, acts on a scale of 1 to 6.
The gayest person on earth would score a 1, and the straightest scores a 6. Most of the people participating in that survey (conducted in the United States in the 1940s) scored between 3 and 4.

I think I�m a two.

I don�t have the specifics of the study; these are just bits and pieces of what I can remember from my sex and gender class.

Pre-college, I viewed guys as competition in a race for the best girls. Post-high school, I started viewing them as potential lovers and women as competition. Two years into the second phase, I found myself in a situation that seems like an equal mix of the two.

I�d confuse myself into depression because I would be jealous of a man because a woman I am attracted to is attracted to him, heartbroken because the woman is not attracted to me and angry at him because he is attracted to her and not to me.

Confused yet?

How can I be so Sapphic while at the same time so happy in a straight relationship?

I have no idea.

I know for a fact that Mr. J has �concerns� regarding homosexuality, and our differences in opinion has created friction and heated debates.

I am a �bleeding heart liberal� as the clich� goes. I think I might even be in the extreme left. Right to abortion? Tick. Right to religion? Tick. Right to sexuality and gender expression? Tick. Only thing I�m not so into is animal rights (yeah I�m a steak person so sue me).

Do I believe in God? Vaguely, yes. Do I hate him/her? At times, yes.

I imagine my very femaleness is the seed of that animosity. When I was younger I hated him/her for letting me be born female. Later, when I was older and saw much of the unfairness in the world, I hated the higher being for letting so many injustices pass for so long a time.

I am not an atheist. I believe that under the layers of anger and hardheadedness I am searching for something that would welcome, love and protect me as it had protected my brothers. But I have not found it, partly because I�ve stopped searching.

How, someone once asked, can I take it so personally?
It feels like being rejected, again and again and again, with no hope of ever being accepted. I feel what Cain must have felt, when that fatherly god rejected his offerings and accepted his brother�s. I feel like an afterthought, and I hate Him for it.

I�m amazed that none of my female friends have these doubts.
It makes my world a lonely, lonely place.