forgive them their sins
2003-10-15

Tomorrow I will be twenty years old.

That�s a frightening thought.
I remember thinking at the age of seven or six, after having a conversation with my somewhat religious aunt, what the color of my soul is.
She had told me that children were born with a white canvas of a soul, and as they grow older, the canvas becomes darker as their sins multiplied.
I remember thinking, how hard is it being good?

Each year thereafter, I always had, at the back of my mind, a �sin calculator�, where I would put imaginary black/grey dots on my soul every time I did a bad deed. I think the canvas was pretty white up to year 16. Sure, I was THE rebel without a cause, but I always felt that those were not sins, really, just... experience.

Two decades of black and grey dots (splotches?).
I�m not sure how my soul is doing right now.

I�ve outgrown my childish, innocent notions of �good� and �bad�, but sometimes, sometimes, when the sky is blue, and the wind is cool, and my heart is crying without reason, I wish I still had a white canvas.