kissing Ms. Idahman
Tuesday, Sept. 02, 2003

Did you guys see the kisses between pop trinity Britney, Madonna and Christina in the MTV Video Awards?
That performance is surely the culmination of every lesbian, girl-on-girl fantasy; attractive, mature, almost matriarchal woman tutoring virginal girls in the art of Passion.

image courtesy of mtv.com

WooHoo.

Let's talk about sexuality and the things that usually come with this almost taboo topic.
There are times I am horrified by myself, times when I realize I am as prejudiced as the people I detest.

I am bisexual; at least I tell myself I am.
I find girls very attractive, and the female form, to me, is beautiful, dangerously seductive.
I check out the girls I meet, rate their attractiveness, dream of them.
Once, however, I had the opportunity to stop dreaming and start doing. The young, attractive woman was definitely interested, and I thought I was, too.
I was shocked when I realized I was unwilling to let her touch me; I was swept with revulsion. This was a girl I had dreamt of doing the most erotic things with.

So what am I, really? A closet homophobic?

But I am not homophobic.
I have gay friends, bisexual colleagues, lesbian acquaintances. I love the movie "Philadelphia"; I was turned on by "Kissing Jessica Stein".
I believe in equal rights for all, no matter what their sexual orientation is. I think sodomy laws are wrong.
I had a same sex relationship, which was affectionate, passionate, but not sexual.

So why did I feel the way I felt the night her hand crept from my midsection to my chest?
Why did I jump, gave out a lame excuse, avoided looking at her eyes?

Maybe it was fear of something new, unknown, unexplored.
Maybe I was wary, scared into hypocrisy by the promise of punishment, humiliation from Powers That Be, society, parents, god.
Maybe I was just acting out the prescribed morality and religion compounded in me through years and years of socialization.

I am sorry I had let the moment go. I realize now it would have been an eye-opening experience, and for all I know I might have passed up a chance for a rewarding and fulfilling relationship with a beautiful, intelligent, caring young woman.

"It is not inertia alone that is responsible for human relationships repeating themselves from case to case, indescribably monotonous and unrenewed. It is shyness before any sort of new and unforseeable experience with which one does not think oneself able to cope, but only someone who is ready for everything, who excludes nothing, not even the most enigmatical, will live the relation to another as something alive." - Rainer Maria Rilke

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